So Cold
by DementedViper
Summary: Song Fic Challenge Done With LoveWithoutLimits. Braking Benjamin - So Cold. Angst, Implied Slash, Character Death. 'All Bones could see was his falling crew, his crew.'


**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, Nor the song which is Braking Benjamin – So Cold**

**Warnings: Character death, implied Slash**

**A/N: **Done with LoveWithoutLimits for the sake of it lol.

**Bold - Lyrics**

_Italics - Emphisis_

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**So Cold - Braking Benjamin**

All Bones could see was his falling crew, _his _crew. Not Jim's crew, his, because he was the one that stitched them up, he was the one that treated them for burns and looked after them, let them talk to him when they missed earth, the academy, their home planet, their family. They were his crew even though he did not direct them and order them he was the one they came to with problems, not Jim. Never Jim, they didn't know the true Jim, the one that was really compassionate and had almost identical fears to what they had, they thought he would laugh at them, that is why they went to Bones, none knew that late at night before either men slept they spoke, Jim knew all their fears and he didn't feel bad for braking Patient confidentiality because it made Jim more understanding, a better Captain.

But now he could do nothing but watch helplessly as his crew dropped under the attack, he did nothing but run between them, mentally cataloguing the dead and soon to be dead away from the living and the ones that needing his treatment. He heard the sound of their help arriving and looked to the sky wincing against the blinding sun. He watched at the three USS ships beamed down those they had to fight and the medical staff to help Bones who was run off his feet, quite literally.

"DR MCCOY!" Bones' head snapped in the direction of the Scottish accent and rushed over to Scotty who was kneeling but an injured man protecting him from the fire and firing back at the enemy. Bones heart stopped after jumping into his throat and he choked on it before calling the newly arrived medical personnel for their help.

**Crowded streets are cleared away  
One by one  
Hollow heroes separate  
As they run  
**

He couldn't breathe, that was Bones' first thought as he was beamed down with his patient to the academy, they were lucky they had been returning to earth and were only 20 minutes in light speed away. He was breathing, he knew he was, the harsh pants as they ran through the academy, the trainees jumped out of their way as a wave of medical officers and uninjured combatants rushed their severely injured through. Even if he could feel himself breathing he didn't think he had time for the deep breaths, every breath he took was a breath his patient was denied and every breath was a breath closer to the theatre but that just wasn't damn close enough.

As they neared the medical bay, a place he had not stepped in for 3 years after passing and having Jim as his first patient, the people against the walls started running with them, newly passed medical staff, the newbie's were meeting the minor injured. He rushed to scrub up, probably failing to do so properly but he needed to get into that theatre.

**You're so cold  
Keep your hand in mine  
Wise men wonder while strong men die**

Three hours of surgery and it all seemed for nothing. Three hours of surgery, twelve hours of torture having to sort out other injuries and being forced away from the one who needed his constant attention. One how of sitting at the bedside of his most annoying and stressful patient and there was still no movement, no activity, nothing out of the machines workings. He sighed rubbing his face and took the unmoving hand in his own.

"So cold" he murmured and in a moment of twisted logic he climbed on the bed and held the prone body, Jesus, so cold.

With a sigh he looked out across the now packed medical bay and sighed, men and women in varying states of shock from seeing the massacre wondered around. They, insignificant people to the ship, they got to wonder whilst he didn't, he couldn't because he was dying; bones knew it and knew he couldn't do anything, he didn't want to admit it. Tightening his hold on the cold hand he closed his eyes and forced his body to rest.

**Show me how we'll end this, It's alright  
Show me how defenceless you really are  
Satisfied an empty inside  
Well that's alright  
Let's give this another try**

"Come on" Bones whispered in desperation, trying not to wake anyone else up. "Come on, give me something?" he tucked the strand of hair from the man's fringe behind his ears, he was always self conscious about his ears but Bones loved them, just like he loved his eyes, his hands, his arms, his hugs, his body, his nose, his lips, his kisses. "Tell me love, tell me how to make this better, because you are not dying, I refuse to let you. Come on love, wake up, I don't care if you are weak at the moment, I can protect you, I promise." He sat in silence before sighing. "Can you even hear me? Are you still there to hear me?"

His only reply was silence. Again.

**If you find your family  
Don't you cry  
In this land of make believe  
Dead and dry  
You're so cold  
but you feel alive  
Lay your hand on me  
One last time**

Bones didn't want to open his eyes, opening his eyes meant seeing the pale body that was wrapped in his arms, opening his eyes meant seeing they were in the Starfleet Academy med bay, opening his eyes meant his nightmares would come true and they had been attacked, they had been pulled from their ship and attacked because they patrolled and explored. His body shook and his face buried in the pale, cold, skin. It was not fair, but if he couldn't cry then bones wouldn't either.

Maybe letting him go would be the best, because then he could pass on, find his father, his mother, the person that would have been his daughter. He could be happy and never feel pain again, never have a need to cry on Bones' shoulder when no one was around because they expected him to stay emotionless.

But he didn't want to let go because he could still feel him, that presence that warmed him even if he had only been sitting on a bed in the med bay pestering him to finish the paper work right then or to leave it until the morning so that they could go to bed. He was still around, just not...awake.

**Show me how it ends, It's alright  
Show me how defenceless you really are  
Satisfied and empty inside  
Well that's alright  
Let's give this another try**

Bones swallowed the raising bile as Scotty cautiously approached him. Admiral Pike had ordered him to be left alone and let him deal with the cold body he insisted was alive. Only Scotty was brave enough to risk a brake down, crying, screaming, punching or insulting, depending on the mood he cause Leonard McCoy in. The Scottish man held out a wad of paper and Bones took it with a trembling hand. He looked through the names placing a face to each one, the ones that pronounced the owner dead normally had an image of them sprawled on the floor, bleeding or burnt.

When he got to the last name 'Assigned Doctor: Leonard McCoy, Status: Coma' sat beside it and he felt that breathing thing again. He knew he was breathing but the breaths were to slow or too fast or not deep enough, something was wrong because everything swam and shimmered and spun. He felt someone support him and felt a hard chest beneath his cheek.

"What about Keenser?" he managed to chock around the bile and closed his eyes.

"He's alright, enjoying the gym." Was the soft reply, worried Bones knew but he couldn't bring himself to care. "Len...have you thought about...letting him go?"

"NO! He needs me! He's fine! He's strong! He'll wake up! He has too!"

"Why?"

**Show me how it ends, It's alright  
Show me how defenceless you really are  
Satisfied and empty inside  
Well that's alright  
Let's give this another try**

Why?

Such a simple question but it was so complicated, or was it? It was rather simple. Because I love him, because he said he loved me, because he promised to come back to me. Because it's my fault, because I pushed him and he reacted, because I pushed him and he ran.

Because we fought, we shouted, we punched and hit, we said things we didn't mean, because I promised to keep him safe, because I love him.

Why? Why should I keep him alive? Why?

"Because I need him, his forgiveness...his love" Scotty nodded in understanding and squeezed his shoulder before leaving him with the list.

**It's alright**

"Chief Communications Officer Nyota Uhura. Deceased. Died in battle protecting her comrades. She died quickly and painlessly." Bones listened with detachment as the names were read out.

**It's alright**

"Navigator and technical officer Pavel Chekov" he was quick, he was fried to the control panel whilst trying to fight against their invisible attack, to get them back on the ship and away, but that failed.

**It's alright**

Names, so many names and ranks from the petty officers to the Chief Officers. Names. What could was a name other than to identify the dead? Names from the Enterprise, The Orion, The Reliant, and The Defiance.

So Many Names!

**It's alright**

A hand touched his shoulder and he looked to see Admiral Pike, the man gave him a smile and a nod, it was alright now, they were safe and the dead were at rest, but that didn't stop the ache in his heart.

**It's alright**

Five hours of sitting outside, the auditorium was too small as nearly every Star Fleet Personnel, active or retired, as long as they were living, had shown up to pay their respects to the ones who were lost in the greatest (a disgustingly ironic word if you asked bones, What was so great about a hundred plus people dying because some sick misunderstood child grew into a bitter man who had the power to take lives, to think he had the power to play god.) battle in the history of Star Fleet. Five hours and all Bones wanted to do was sleep, in a nice comfy warm bed, all he wanted to do was sleep, and never wake up because waking up meant that this was a dream, maybe it was. He didn't know any more.

**It's alright**

The sun shone in his eyes as he sat on the steps watching the last of those paying their respects, to the quickly build memorial, leave. He felt cold again, so cold, but he knew it was his own mind trying to send him crazy with the guilt. He hugged himself and focused on one person in the crowd.

**It's alright**

He still had that list and it had scared the hell out of him on more than one occasion. He had tiredly glanced at the paper once, the last sheet, and in his tiredness he had miss read it, where he had first read his name as the assigned doctor he read 'Deceased'. A small panic, a blink and a sigh of relieve later showed him that it was the name above 'deceased' belonged to. He did not mean to be uncaring but his world would end if it had been true.

**It's alright**

Another hand, younger this time, stronger, smoother, but no less shaky, settled on his shoulder as the limping person sat beside him. "It's alright" came the whisper in his ear "I'm here, I'm alive, I'm safe." He gave a small muffled sob and was drawn into the still tender chest, his advice had been ignored as his patient wanted to attend the ceremony and he knew he could not withhold that right from him.

Bones relaxed into the tight hold and the kisses planted over his face, catching his tears. It wasn't alright but it would be, soon, when everyone had the time to recover.

**It's alright**

Later on when Bones looked back at the list, he could not help but be glad for it. He knew it sounded mean and uncaring but it was what had kept him going.

_First Officer Spock. Deceased. _

_Captain James T. Kirk. Assigned Doctor: Leonard McCoy, Status: __Coma__ Alive and Loving his Doctor._

**

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A/N2: YAY ME!

A Semi Happy ending...bloody hell I really must be ill.

So? What do you think?


End file.
